Well, it's months into the pregnancy, not mine...my wife's. We're both hoping that the baby arrives soon, because he's causing us both grief that we can just as soon do without. No, it's not an ill effects of illness which have caused these ill feelings, it's the attitude of others which has caused this shrill pill of ill will. Christmas season is a time to be close to friends and family, so this puts us in to proximity of those who kindly wish to share their knowledge of babydom with us. While we appreciate the kindness of strangers, strangers aren't as apt to share pearls of wisdom like "That'll be you soon" or "Something to look forward to, eh?" as though it's some sort of parenthood taunt. Those lines and others are often heard should a baby within the vicinity of 30 or 40 blocks do something which is likely something that the majority of the infant populace do. The wife and I although not yet parents, are not baby idiots. We are aware of what babies do, say, eat and poop and as "ha ha" as "That'll be fun, won't it" is, we've heard it ad nauseam to where it seems as though it'll never end.Smiling and nodding seems to be the best response to those who choose to participate in the "Been there, done that" stage of child rearing. Sometimes what I find myself more inclined to want to do is to rearrange their body parts into alphabetical order which only seems appropriate because being an ass seems to come to mind. Yes. Yes. We know babies cry. I was a baby and I cried. I still cry, but mostly because people tell us our baby will cry. Why the expect we don't know this is a crying shame, for crying out loud. Babies poop, we know this and if I'm any judge of babies, they probably urinate too. When changing a male baby, he will sometimes attempt to be on you...we already know this, but thanks for telling us for the 43rd time. Babies get sick, put things in their mouth they shouldn't, pull the cat's tail, throw up all over the fancy linen, eat cat kibble when you're not watching, reprogram the VCR, say really embarrassing things and a host of other baby related activities. WE GET IT. We're not baby illiterate. Both of us are previous points in our life were, in fact, babies. Mind you, I'll admit to not remembering much of my baby years...except the I cried and pooped.We DO have a short list of names, so as intriguing an idea as the names Hugo, Nero or Napoleon Bonaparte would be for our child, the concept that you may be the first to suggest to us a humorous name is false. We will, at some point, share our list of a few names to get a general reaction to just how well they'll play. We want to make sure that our child is not an object of ridicule or mockery based on his name. Therefore our small list of names will go through rigorous testing. Thor, although sounds manly, only invites bullying and the last name will be inviting enough we need not heap upon poor child a ridiculous name like Zeus. Zeus may work well for a God or one of Higgin's dogs, but doesn't suit a first grader. We're also not celebrity enough to get away with Kal-EL and I baby poop you not "Audio Science".And and, yes we're looking forward to it. One should worry if we weren't

Read more...

Sometime during the early days within May 2006, I shall enter the order of fatherhood as our baby is due to be born. It was during my time cleaning the litter box that it occurred to question just what kind of father I will make. Unfortunately for our cats, I'm lax in cleaning boxes and it prompted me to wonder, would I be as forgetful when it came to cleaning the litter box of a child to be? I'm hoping not, because I suspect that such forgetfulness would not be tolerated as much as it would be by the cats, and I really do not need the baby to be holding and sort of grudge against me.I suspect that I know a few things about the dos and donts of child raising. For instance, I'm aware the children should not be given sharp, pointy toys until they are old enough to realize that sharp, point toys can and will scratch furniture if used improperly. Secondly, and this situation is very much present in our household, I do know that putting epoxy glue in the grounding pin of an electrical outlet will not accomplish much outside of disallowing one to plug in properly grounded electrical appliances. I would assume that the idea was that the child did not stick his her or its finger into this hole. While that is all well and good, it should be pointed out that this particular part of an outlet does not carry any electrical current, except wherein a fault in the appliance would cause a need to become grounded. If said appliance is not properly grounded, well, I don't have to spell it out for you gentle electrical minded reader. I also do not see any reason to fear that a child might be properly grounded

Read more...

Every few months or so I get an inexplicable, and some would say inexcusable craving for fried chicken. Realistically it's a craving that makes as much sense as those cravings which divers get for gnawing on a coral reef. As such, I ventured to a local unspecified chicken frying establishment. I ordered my lunch and watched as they picked pieces of chicken off a shelving unit which appeared to be made of unsold portions of the chicken I was now currently purchasing.The chicken itself was, luckily, cooked and flavoured in a rather bland variety of grease. Since I had paid for it and was eating within the restaurant itself and in full view of the employees, I felt an obligation to at least attempt to finish the meal. I did finish most of it, not eating some of the fries, skin and mostly leaving the bones uneaten as well.Some things, it is said, are better the second time around. This, however, does not apply to already digested food. In fact, I'd wager that previously digested food is actually worse the second time around, as is the case here. The chicken despite being cooked, still had some life in it and proceeded to do some brisk aerobics within my stomach. This further did not endear me to the chicken.This particular fried chicken experience did not go well, not well at all. However, as many of you know I'm a glass half-full kind of weasel and duly acknowledge that there are positives for this whole experience. Mainly, I believe this will discourage me from having fried chicken cravings in the future. However, in order to enforce the gag order, I am considering buying a hammer and labeling it "In case of Kraving of Fried Chicken, bash stomach". It will have roughly the same effect, but saves me the time and trouble of buying the food.I've avoided mentioning the restaurant for fear of reprisals from chicken frying conglomerates. The last thing I need is a lawsuit, because lets face it...I'd be low on the pecking order for judgments which certainly would not be a poultry sum. Yes, the whole experience is...of course...nothing to crow about.That's today's Weasel's Wrant. Well, maybe this years...

Read more...

For those who don't already know and have been waiting with anticipation, I found a bagel slicer. It was a lonely bagel slicer perched atop a stack of serving trays, abandoned and unloved. I have since given it a home and in return it has enabled me to slice bagels correctly, the two sides more or less even in width. I've been asked "Why do you need a bagel slicer, as slicing bagels is not all tha difficult". Truth is, bagel slicing is difficult for me and my inability to cut things properly. It happens regardless of what I'm cutting be it bagels, bread, wood or drugs. So I can now happily have properly sized bagels halves at work. Unfortunately, the bagels from the local supermarket do not fit in the bagel slicer and as such, will be of no use to me anymore. Fortunately, I've managed to try the Costco bagels and discovered that they are, indeed tasty. For the record, my favourite bagels are either sesame seed or poppy seed, the latter of course could make for some interesting results in the random drug testing, which does not occur at work anyway so I guess it really doesn't mean much.

Read more...

BabiesWe're having one of them. The critter is to arrive some time next May, at which point I will be sore from sleeping on the couch for calling it a critter. Apparently there are many rules when it comes to raising a baby. From what I've been told, one of the bigger no-nos is cleaning your baby with a pressure washer. This seems foreign to me because pressure washers are wonderful tools capable of making most anything clean, and I don't see why that should not include a baby. Another idea which my wife as poo-pooed is to use our closet in which to keep the baby. Frankly, I don't see the harm. The child will be small and won't require much room, and realistically it will only be in there when it's sleeping. While it's not sleeping, I'm told the child will spend most of its time screaming and pooping. Screaming and pooping may sound fun, but I have my doubts...I know, I've tried it. My wife also seems to have something against using duct tape to make things for the baby such as clothes, toys or cribs. No to pressure washer and duct tape! Just what is their left for a man to do in the raising of the child if those things are taken from him.It would seem I've much to learn in the field of child rearing, along with learning not to be afraid of these small humans. Afraid, you say? Yes. Who's kidding who, children are far too unpredictable to not be afraid of them. Children will try anything once and hitting their father squarely in regions where fathers should not be hit is on top of their list...and they'll do that more than once. That is not an unfounded fear for I've seen it happen. There are many other things to be fearful about with regards to children, I know, I was once a child myself. I'd ask my parents what I was like as a baby, but I'm also afraid of knowing what I did as a baby.I'll freely admit to being somewhat neurotic, and I have little doubt in my mind that this child will likely gain some of my traits. For this, we are already in search of a good psychologist for the child as it never hurts to be properly prepared. For those who know me personally, they also know that the prospect that I have influence over a tiny life does not bode well for my offspring growing up to be what might be termed as "perfectly normal" or, realistically, "somewhat normal". Regardless, I promise not to try and sell the child to gypsies because, to be perfectly frank, I don't know any gypsies

Read more...

You'd think that bagel slicers, those handy contraptions in which you insert your bagel and then cut it properly and easily, would be easy to find. If you thought that, count yourself as being wrong.

For the past week or so, I've been in search of a bagel slicer to keep here at work for those times when I like to have, obviously, a bagel. I'm not well known for my ability to cut things evenly, in a straight line or without also cutting through the desk. So far, I've managed to hack the bagel apart in such a fashion that I will end up with two, sometimes three bagel pieces. However my bagel cutting skills leave those various bagel segments ill defined. One half of the bagel is usually quite capable of having itself inserted nicely into a CD jewel case whereas the other half may oft times find itself in some form of quivering bagel mash. Needless to say, or perhaps needful for those who do not understand the fundamentals of bagelology, the toasting and coating of said bagel with various cow utter products does not go as smoothly as one might hope.

This, as you might gather, constitutes reason enough to have want of some form of bagel slicing mechanism. To date, Walmart, Canadian Tire, Sears, Zellers and a plethora of dollar stores have found me no closer to my bagel slicing euphoria. I have the knife, a bread cutting form of knifedom that comes complete with a serated edge which is a step up from my previous cutting paraphenallia, and I'm not making this up, a plastic knife. Let me tell you that it can be exceedingly difficult to cut a cold bagel with a plastic knife which often resulted in pyramid shaped bagel halves and a light desk coating of bagel crumbs.

Yes. I've checked ebay. There are some on ebay, and they're not unreasonable, just the seller's determination of shipping and handling fees (Though not $25 local pick up fee unreasonable, but that's a rant for another day). Still, one cannot tell from the photo as to what size of bagel the device will hold. The bagels I get are somewhat larger than your average bagel. It's not the size that so much matters, as the taste. They're nummy bagels and fresh daily. Unfortunately, due to poor planning on my part I don't actually have the bagel measurements and I'm currently out except for the cinnamon raisin which does not accurate reflect the stores ABS (Average Bagel Size). I though briefly of going in and measuring the bagels, but I'm certain that wouldn't sit well with others as I think I'd have a problem with someone taking a tape measure to a bagel then replacing it.

My next step involves google and "make your own bagel slicer". Strangely, I sense that I'll have to design my own.

Blogger.com's spelling checking is kind of lacking, by the way.

Read more...