The Weasel Chronicles

BabiesWe're having one of them. The critter is to arrive some time next May, at which point I will be sore from sleeping on the couch for calling it a critter. Apparently there are many rules when it comes to raising a baby. From what I've been told, one of the bigger no-nos is cleaning your baby with a pressure washer. This seems foreign to me because pressure washers are wonderful tools capable of making most anything clean, and I don't see why that should not include a baby. Another idea which my wife as poo-pooed is to use our closet in which to keep the baby. Frankly, I don't see the harm. The child will be small and won't require much room, and realistically it will only be in there when it's sleeping. While it's not sleeping, I'm told the child will spend most of its time screaming and pooping. Screaming and pooping may sound fun, but I have my doubts...I know, I've tried it. My wife also seems to have something against using duct tape to make things for the baby such as clothes, toys or cribs. No to pressure washer and duct tape! Just what is their left for a man to do in the raising of the child if those things are taken from him.It would seem I've much to learn in the field of child rearing, along with learning not to be afraid of these small humans. Afraid, you say? Yes. Who's kidding who, children are far too unpredictable to not be afraid of them. Children will try anything once and hitting their father squarely in regions where fathers should not be hit is on top of their list...and they'll do that more than once. That is not an unfounded fear for I've seen it happen. There are many other things to be fearful about with regards to children, I know, I was once a child myself. I'd ask my parents what I was like as a baby, but I'm also afraid of knowing what I did as a baby.I'll freely admit to being somewhat neurotic, and I have little doubt in my mind that this child will likely gain some of my traits. For this, we are already in search of a good psychologist for the child as it never hurts to be properly prepared. For those who know me personally, they also know that the prospect that I have influence over a tiny life does not bode well for my offspring growing up to be what might be termed as "perfectly normal" or, realistically, "somewhat normal". Regardless, I promise not to try and sell the child to gypsies because, to be perfectly frank, I don't know any gypsies